Chapter 3-Consequences of a troubled mind

After I left through the fourth wall (see below), quite a few things happened, and most of them were my fault. One result of my stupidity was the violent death of one of my comrades. As you might remember, after I gave the command to open the gate, a surprised Cask* ventured out onto the battlefield. The demons came, surrounded him and tore him to pieces. The moment they were done (Chase swears he didn't plan this) the sun came up and the demons left. Frank the Elven Archer** picked up his head afterwards, and our drunken dog*** got his arm. (He afterwards made a new character, a Halfling, but I never saw him, so he won’t come into the story).

The group, having agreed to stop the demons for the price of whatever pay they could loot from the demons’ bodies (this was before they realized that the demons carried no loot), tracked them back to the Source. They brought the captain of the guard (remember him?) and a dozen guard(s! guards!) members. The Source, as it turned out, was a U-shaped stone with carvings on it, located in the middle of the forest. By the rolling of the dice it was made obvious that the U was a portal. Zulu**** decided to spend the time until nightfall setting traps for the demons. No one knew why I was watching so carefully. (Oh, that’s right, I had made my entrance again after they found the U.)

Night came, and every square near the portal was covered with a trap of some sort or other. This wasn't going to be a battle. It was going to be a massacre. Brennan had “taken twenty” on every single trap, a term which means he took a lot of extra time to make each one perfect. As the sun sank beneath the horizon, every soldier; human, elf, or dragonborn; took their positions and readied their weapons. I bounced on the balls of my feet in anticipation, ready to stow away my weapon at a moment’s notice.

Five minutes passed.

Then ten.

Then fifteen.

Captain Vi—ahem…The guard captain thought for a moment and looked over to us.

“Sorry. Didn’t I mention that the demons only come every third night?”

Daybreak revealed a very intimidated guard captain surrounded by angry-looking people. It was a shame we needed him, preferably unharmed.

Night came.

Then Day again.

The sun turned red in an eerie sunset. Every single available square on the board was marked with a trap. A few of the guard members looked like they were going to be sick, yet they held their bows steady. The symbols on the portal began to glow, and the center of the U began to darken to a shade of purple. Bowstrings were pulled taut. I looked at the ground with narrowed eyes, going over again in my head exactly where every trap was.

With what could be described as the opposite of a flash of light—a flash of darkness if you will—the portal appeared.

I hopped up, dodged around the traps, and leaped through it.

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            Everyone stared after me for a moment, then looked at each other over the table. Brennan echoed everyone’s thoughts.

“Well…He’s dead.”

Personally, I agreed. I was already considering using one of the guard members as my next character and wondering if Chase would print out a character sheet for me. We did the traditional thing, where Chase pulled me aside and described what I was seeing.

“You’re in a dark wasteland. The sound of wind is prominent and swirling clouds fill the sky with lightning. Far across the plain there’s a tower jutting out of the ground as if it grew there. You’re in the demon realm.”

“Well,” I said,” If there’s nothing else, I run towards the tower.”

“The land between you and the tower is covered by an army of considerable size. They’re all looking in your direction. Would you like to roll a stealth check?”

“Heh. Sure.”

*Rattle*

“Hey! I rolled a 20!”

*Facepalm*

“You evade the demons’ notice and hide behind the portal.”

“Well…He’s dead.”

“Yep.”

“Definitely.”

They shrug and ready their weapons again. Demons begin flowing through the portal. The guards do the one thing they've been waiting to do for three days. They fire.

As you might guess they were about as competent as Vimes’ lads*****.

Three bows snap, and the rest of the arrows miss. Chase had rolled for them, and got three 1's.

The first demon hits the first trap.

“What kind of trap was that?” Chase asked.

Brennan checked. “Falling logs.”

Second demon: Caught in bear trap.

Third demon: Spike pit.

Fourth: Tangled in snare.

And so on.

“I have a plus 2 on listen checks.”

“So?”

“I listen to hear if the demons are gone.”

*Rattle*

“13, plus 2”

“You don’t hear any more demons.

The spike pits turned out to be the most useful. The demons had low dexterity, so they killed themselves trying to climb out. Our drunk dog was having a bit of trouble getting out of one as well. Brennan was pulling a ku de gra (instant kill against enemies that are helpless) on all the demons in snares.

“I peek around the corner.”

“Roll a stealth check.”

“What?! You told me there were no more demons!”

“I said you don’t hear any.”

“Ah, whatever. I draw my swords, jump out, and say ‘AAAAHHHHHH!’”

Chase put a single piece on the board, obviously the boss he had planned for the battle.

“Roll for initiative,” said Chase. “And you’d better hope it’s higher than what the Bubao got.”

CLIFFHANGER!

*Cask is what’s called a war forge. Basically a hulking magical robot with low intelligence and an incredible amount of talent for destroying things. Also one of the most affable people in our group, and a loyal friend. For more info, see http://throwingflasksofacid.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-do-actually-play-d-as-player-as-well.html#comment-form

**Frank: a character who likes to shoot arrows as his primary weapon. Played by Andrew, a kid you don’t know.

***Drunk dog: I never did learn his name.

****Zulu: A violence-centered rouge whose hobbies include: Stabbing things, checking for traps, setting up traps, stealth checks, being evil, and stabbing things.

*****Specifically Nobby. There are no Terry Pratchet allusions in this post I assure you.

PS Sorry about the allusions. Like I said, I've been doing this in installments to my brother, and he's read "Guards! Guards!"

PPS Some things are changed for the sake of the narrative, but overall it's the same.

Yours always,

King D. the Magnificent

Chapter 2-A New Leaf

This is actually quite a while after the last post. I've been writing all of this down in installments in emails, and I hadn't written in a while. That's also why the font changes halfway through.

After beating up these giant evil trolls (just an average day), My character was unconscious, so I decided to introduce my NEW character. He (or rather I) entered the story riding on a sheep and shouting random things. Once it was clear that I was completely insane I mellowed out a bit. I sent the sheep off and started following the group. It’s a mark of how uninteresting I was that no one even wondered what happened to my old guy. They just left him unconscious and bleeding on the side of the road. All this despite the fact that I had saved half of their lives during the battle.

After traveling for a short time we came across a small cottage. Cask kicked down the door before realizing it was inhabited. One of our guys tried to cover up for him before I ruined everything by saying “I think your house is on fire. And I think I started it”. He responded with  “ aren't you the one who stole my sheep?”

After a hasty retreat, we headed to the nearby city. There were these big holes in the walls, and we tried to use a rope to get through one. After almost everyone in the party failed to do so, I used my  amazing rope climbing skills to get inside the city walls, along with our drunk dog. We both rolled a spot check (basically a look around and see what’s there check) to see the city. I rolled really high and the other guy rolled really low. Chase took us aside and told us the city was half-destroyed, but there were plenty of people still alive. I instantly went to the other side of the “Wall” and yelled down that the town was fine, but everyone was dead. DEAD!

Of course, everyone was starting to catch on by this point, and wanted a second opinion. As the other guy was explaining it and they had the inevitable discussion on what to do next, I began whispering instructions to Chase (the DM). I stealthily climbed down the other side of the wall and began talking to people. I was getting awesome rolls on charisma (people skills) and eventually ended up talking to the chief guard. I convinced him that we were friendly and that they should stop shooting arrows and open the gate. I stood dramatically in front of it as it opened, and the others, dumbfounded, entered the city. They were a bit more accepting after that.

After that things started getting kind of boring. Everyone was trying to talk to the incompliant townspeople, and we eventually reached the conclusion that they had been under siege every night by these demon things. Meanwhile, I was wandering the city. I went over to this huge stone throne thing and sat in it. Nothing happened. I saw some lights, but I think that was just Chase messing with me, because next he told me that I noticed my feet were no longer touching the ground*. I then went to the stairs up the wall and tried to get the guard to let me pass. He was like one of those British guys with the big hats. I tried poking him in the eyes to make him blink, saying weird stuff, charisma checks, and threatening him. He was a tough cookie. I tried using my rope to climb the wall, but kept falling down. Meanwhile, everyone was trying to argue with this blacksmith lady, who was beating them up by throwing stuff over her shoulders. When she was done she started talking (very curtly) to them. Meanwhile again, I asked Chase for a “relieve boredom” check. A guard came along the wall and cut my rope and Chase started the countdown till dusk. Getting quite frustrated, I walk back to the stair guard, but not to bother him.

My companions were beginning to get angry, and there were raised voices across the table. Then, cutting cold and clear through the mass of arguments, a single voice, quite calmly, said “I slit his throat”. One by one they all fell silent as this registered. They looked at me. Then at Chase. Then at me. It was clear that Chase was thinking VERY quickly.

            “You walk resolutely up to the guard…and…uh…forgot to draw your dagger. You run your hand across his throat and he doesn't react in any way.

            Everyone sighs with relief. Then, with perfect timing, his watch alarm goes off.

            “The sun sets and everyone begins frantically heading for some post or other.”

            And so a battle began against the evil demon things. I was still in the stair room trying to get past the guard, who kept stopping me, when Frank the Elven Archer ran right past me and told me the guard wasn't there anymore. I lowered my sword rather dejectedly before an incredible idea occurred to me. A wonderful, awful idea. At this point, I knew I had to leave early, so I was going out with a bang. I used my charisma to tell a guard to open the gate (small point: this is a bad idea when under siege). I ran to the stables adjacent to the room, stole a horse and, instead of heading for the gate, began riding it up the stairs. A confused Cask (confused because the gates were open) had already engaged the enemy, and Frank was shooting arrows. My tactic: I jumped the horse off of the battlements, throwing my lethal boomerang. That caused a bit of a stir. I landed relatively unharmed, although the horse had four broken legs. I was a little jealous because I had only ever managed two. I really had to leave then, so I hopped through the fourth wall and wasn't seen again for the duration of the battle. Some speculation says that I was hiding in a pit. I resemble that.

“Role-playing game” is sort of a nerdy term. I prefer “interactive storytelling”.

*This is called foreshadowing, although none of us realized it at the time. Not even Chase. In fact, this whole thing leads up to more stuff later.

P(ost)S(cript)! check out throwingflasksofacid.blogspot.com

It's amazing.

That is all! Good day, and if there's an apocalypse, good luck.