Chapter 4-A Hopeless Fight

I wasn't really sure what a bubao was, but I looked it up afterwards. Apparently it's some sort of giant ape demon thing, but I sort of imagined it as being a black reptile demon thing. That's just the piece Chase used for it.

“Roll for initiative…and you’d better hope it’s higher than the bubao got.”

*rattle*

“12?”

“Okaaaay.…” he jots down a note on his post-it. “Surprise round...It’s your turn.”

“I slash at it with my khopesh and temple sword.”

“The temple sword sinks into it easily, but the khopesh just bounces off.”

“Ah…right. Demons vs. holy sword” (which by the way works just as well even if it’s a stolen holy sword). “I discard the khopesh and wield the Temple Sword Two-Handed.”(I know, I’m starting to sound like a full-class nerd)

Chase gives me a slightly evil smile. “It’s the Bubao’s turn.”

“Come on then, Bobo!”

Chase rolls the 20-sided dice to charge the attack, which he informs us is “dark lightning” or something like that.

Perfect roll.

I’ve once again accepted my death as Chase describes the dark ball of energy building up in its hands. He rolls to hit…

And it rolls so low that it doesn't even fire.

Everyone at the table laughs and relaxes (except Zulu, who looks mildly disappointed). Chase allows himself a facepalm. No one should be this lucky. It’s just ridiculous.

I attack and hit, doing very little damage. Chase had looked up in the monster manual that bubaos are very cowardly. In keeping with this spirit, Bobo ran a ways away from me, giving me a scape gote (is that even the right way to use the word?). The portal was right there, and I could reach it without provoking an attack of opportunity (an attack for entering or leaving an enemy’s range). I prepare myself to run, knowing this is my last chance to escape. Fate has  been uncharacteristically kind to me, as has Chase (who probably would have had me dead on a worse day). It was high time to stop pressing my luck.

“I run as fast as I can,” I say, moving my piece…away from the portal. “And slash at it again.”

Chase’s forehead is starting to turn red from the heel of his hand coming into contact so many times. It’s a good hit, and I do quite a bit of damage. Also my sword breaks. Apparently hitting Bobo too much does that to weapons. It’s lucky rangers carry two weapons.

Bobo the Bobau lets loose an ear-piercing shriek. He swipes at me but, by some miracle, misses. I’m getting kind of sure of my invincibility at this point. But, as the saying goes, luck has a way of dissolving when you lean on it.

“I drop the hilt of the temple sword and draw my khopesh.”

Chase raises an eyebrow. “You mean the one you tossed aside earlier?”

I open my mouth, then shut it. After a moment, I say the most hopefully lifesaving thing I can think of. “Erm…Did I say ‘toss aside’?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. Can we pretend I didn't?”

“No.”

Slight pause.

“Alright then.”

Another pause.

“Would you like to run away?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

“That’ll provoke an attack of—“

“WAIT! On second thought…”

Actually, my second thought had been ‘I could use my bladed boomerang’; my third thought was ‘no, I don’t want it to break. What about my brass knuckles?’; and my fourth thought was ‘no, they would do almost no damage’. It was my fifth though that had made my eyes wander to my skill modifiers.

“…I ride Bobo the Bubao.”

“You…”

“Ride him, yes.”

“I’ll give you five seconds to withdraw that.” Oh, the mercy of our DM.

Even Brennan tries to convince me to make a break for it.

I only smile. “I have bonuses in ‘jump’, ‘ride’, and ‘handle animal’.”

The jump goes quite well. I have a decent landing, and get a grip on its fur. Then Chase rolls against me

He rolls quite the oppose check.

Long story short, Bobo’s skin is acidic, and I got tossed ten feet.

A second Bubao arrives, attracted by the cry of the first. I once again accept my death (for the third time, no less), knowing to run would provoke an attack of opportunity from both of them.

I’m weaponless and surrounded by deadly demons. I've added insult to my own injury by naming them Bobo and Bobo Jr. I do the only thing I can do. I try again.

I manage to land on his back and hold on. I’m doing so well, until Bobo Jr. blasts me off. This time the ground knocks me unconscious. And this time there is no hope.

On the other side of the portal, Frank, Zulu, and all the rest of the group slaughter some more demons, and the guards shoot and miss again (except for one lucky fellow who hits, but does almost no damage). Our drunk dog continues to patiently sit in a spike pit. Zulu stabs everything in sight.

At this point, I’d like to pause and speak a little bit about Zulu. He sounds like an evil maniac, and he is in the game. But more than that, he’s simultaneously every DM’s dream and nightmare. He understands stories to the point that he is the main thing that keeps a narrative going. His skills of deduction are such that it makes the DM pause to think “I’m doing something right!” For example: A friend (the one who played Cask, coincidentally)  was running his campaign and was playing the part of a goblin leader. Zulu (under the alias "Slim Shady") had snuck into the camp to kidnap this leader. The goblin, sitting at a desk and suspecting an intruder, pulled a bluff, pretending to think it’s another goblin behind him. He asked about his family, to which SS answered “I don’t recall ever having a family, sir.” Goblin Leader was confused long enough for SS to knock him out and escape.

Unfortunately, these skills also make him a very dangerous person to have in a group. His amazing ability to calculate and find loopholes makes him one of the most powerful players. When he combines all of his poisons, masterwork daggers, and strength modifiers, he generally rolls seven or eight dice when he attacks. It’s kind of annoying when he takes out all of the super-difficult enemies in two rounds, leaving everyone else scratching their heads wondering what just started attacking them. Enough said.

Soon enough the battle is over. They know what’s on the other side (even though they couldn't act on that because that would be bad form and lame besides), so they’re getting healed by the cleric.

   One by one, they enter. At this point a tension-building camera effect follows the third member of the party to enter into the purple light-sucking abyss. After a lot of purple and the brief sensation of falling, they find themselves in a dark world full of rushing wind and emptiness.

   ...Well, almost emptiness. There are four things in sight. One is a fascinating tower in the distance. The next two are almost identical ape-like (or reptile-like, depending on whether or not you're me) creatures advancing victoriously on the fourth thing: the crumpled and bleeding body of Hanserchen Grimm.