(The long-awaited) Chapter 4-Out with a bang

Please excuse the extra drama. I’m upsizing things a bit to make the story more interesting to read.

Something was off. I wasn’t having as much fun playing Hans as I usually did. What had changed? I thought back and realized that I had lost a lot of my character in trying to be more amusing and fit in with the group. It was hardly the same Hans anymore.

‘I can’t play like this,’ I thought. ‘There’s more I can be doing.’

I thought more and more about it as the others prepared to begin the game. By the time we started, I had made the choice.

It was time for a new character.

Previously on Pathfinder

(Insert action-packed scenes of our group finding a cave, finding Hans, jumping over holes, getting attacked by wizards, and killing evil chickens. Here are a few dialogue clips to help spark your imagination)

“Look at this cave!”

“*mumble mumble*” “Who the heck it this whack job?”

“I use acid splash!”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!…”   “Make that plant stop screaming!”

“DIE POULTRY!!!”

You’re welcome.

Everyone was mumbling about the cockatrices except Shady, who was busy cooking one up. He was disappointed to find that the magic that helped them turn things to stone faded shortly after death, so he found a new use for them.

Presently, we packed up camp and were off to find where the rest of the cave led. We followed the narrow passageway and found not only another cave, but a chiseled chamber filled almost entirely with lava. If any of us had any sort of inclination towards the sciences, we might have wondered why the cave wasn’t scorching us to death and hadn’t scorched us to death from a couple caves over. While we were at it, why not ask why we didn’t choke on the smoke from Knoll’s fire?

Had any of the questions crossed our minds, Darick would undoubtedly have directed our attention to a convenient afore-unmentioned natural chimney that was far too small for any person to climb through.

But we didn’t, and so he didn’t.

To be honest, I was too busy filling out a new character sheet. It was going to be awesome. I was going to have a cool animal companion and everything.

Shady was exploring every bit of the cave, checking for traps. Before long he realized that we had reached a dead end. Asking for opinions, he noticed that I didn’t really have my heart in it.

“What are you doing, Danny?”

“Filling out a new character sheet. I’m getting kind of bored with Hans.”

A plan quickly began to form in Shady’s mind. He briefly consulted The Captain (who was trying to see if the lava would melt his lance. It hadn’t so far.) and they each grabbed the end of a rope.

You see, Shady had a theory that perhaps the lava was just an illusion. The unmelted lance was evidence enough to jump to a hasty conclusion.

Thirteen seconds later, Hans was kicking and screaming as the Captain lowered him into the lava. Everyone watched with a morbid sort of a fascination as he dropped inch by inch. (Not even Drake said anything! My own brother!) He touched the glowing surface and the angry shouts became shrieks of pain. He disappeared completely under the surface.

The others congregated to discuss their options. It was unfortunate about Hans, but the life expectancy of an adventurer isn’t that long anyway. At least his death was mercifully quick. Better him than Belial, anyway. At least Belial was useful (he was serving up cooked chicken at the moment. The Monk was abstaining. Either he fought better hungry, or he didn’t believe in cannibalism). After all, they had just met the guy.

“Hey guys,” said the Captain.

“Not now,” snapped Shady around a mouthful of cockatrice.

The Captain hefted the end of the rope onto a more comfortable position on his shoulder.

:”And you can pull up the rope now,” said Shady, swallowing another bite.

“I would, but he’s still struggling on the other end.”

Hans winced as the lava touched him, and for a moment everything was a confused blur of orange. He could hear some magically generated shrieks of pain.

Suddenly, he was through. The light from the ceiling illuminated a table with a group of reptilian creatures seated around it. They appeared to be playing cards.

Kobolds are a small, craven, lizard-like race that dwells in places hidden from the sun, particularly subterranean caverns or dense, wooded areas. The inherent cowardice of the kobolds has lent the schemers in a bit of cleverness and ingenuity, especially when it comes to devising deadly traps. Despite the fact that kobolds believe they are, in fact, the most superior race on Golarion, they are commonly found in service to other, more powerful masters.

            --Pathfinder Bestiary (2009), p. 183

Noticing the change in light, the dealer glanced up. The creature practically croaked in surprise at the cocoon of ropes that was staring at him with wide eyes.

For an awkward moment everyone stared up, no one moving. Finally Hans opened his mouth.

“The blue guy on your left has an ace up his sleeve.”

‘The Blue Guy’ grabbed his spear from next to him. The others followed suit. They could never resist such an easy target, no matter what language it was speaking.

A level three ranger is allowed to have one “favored enemy”. That basically means that they are proficient at fighting that particular type of creature. I had decided to settle on dragons, even though Pathfinder groups rarely ever saw any.

I was starting to wish I could change to kobolds.

Shady considered the options. He knew these idiots would probably do anything he said if he was convincing enough. A new plan formulated.

“How much rope do you have left?”

“At least seven feet. How on earth have you been carrying this around?”

“There might be a secret cave underneath. See how much farther you can lower him.”

A red kobold on the dealer’s right hefted his club. He was larger than the rest, which pretty much meant he was the leader. He forced the others into line behind him. He would get first whack. He reared up for the swing…

…and missed completely as Hans fell face first onto the ground.

In Draconic, they have a phrase for “human wrapped in ropes”. It’s pronounced pen-yä tá. Hans was hearing them shout these words repeatedly, and it sparked an idea that would eventually become a popular party game.

“I think that was the ground,” the Captain stated.